Church, Emotions and More .

That title is stated as such because I honestly have no idea what to call this. I often have ideas for posts on the tip of my tongue, but they turn into jumbled messes, partitions of ideas and concepts and other weird puzzle pieces. Anyways...

At church today, I had a lot of stuff on my mind. I don't really enjoy going to the 5pm mass on Saturdays, but it's a necessity if I want to go during the weekend because I usually have to work both Saturday and Sunday mornings from 6am to 2pm (which honestly is totally cool with me; I love getting up early so I can get out early). The Saturday evening mass used to be the mass that lots of younger people went to, because they didn't like getting up early to go on Sundays. What I realized today was that it seems that a lot of those people only really went because their parents made them. Now, perhaps I started that way, but I came to find that going, for me, is a healthy thing. Even if some weeks I don't get as much out of it, it is a healthy break from the chaos that is everyday life. It's a break from struggles at work and struggles at home, a time when I can pray and gain reprieve from my emotional rollercoasters (and yes, often there are multiple).

I suppose an easy explanation could be that all these kids, now graduates of college, are out of the house and moving on with their lives. I have a feeling that's not the case given the job market (and man would I consider myself to be in a sad state of affairs if that were the case), however, and that instead my age group just decided church wasn't worth the time. What a fucked up world we live in. Of course, I'm well aware that not everyone likes it, and that not everyone is going to stick with it, and heck, not everyone is even going to ever try anything remotely close to church, and that's totally okay.

During the homily, the deacon (who was subbing in for the priest) mentioned that we should "live every day as if Jesus himself were coming tomorrow." Am I prepared for that? Would I be happy with myself inside if Jesus were to show up on my doorstep tomorrow? I think I literally need to take things a day at a time for that to be the case. But I can't imagine living every day assuming I was going to die tomorrow. I'd do things completely different if that were the case. Imagine trying to knock out a new bucket list every day; it'd be exhausting! Despite the jokes and whatever else, I wouldn't be ready if the second coming were tomorrow. I am not fully satisfied with who I am. And while there's always room for improvement, there are basic building blocks that are crumbling, and mortar that needs to be replaced to solidify a base I've spent 20 years attempting to build.

For reasons unknown to even me, I almost started tearing up today during mass. Maybe my emotions were too overwhelming. Maybe I made a connection spiritually that I haven't made in a long time. Life has been so hard, busy, and chaotic and I just needed a break. Vacation was really good, and it was nice to relax. But I never really checked out of the real world. I brought my laptop and maybe that was a mistake. I wanted to be able to work on music and blogging and all that other stuff. Instead I ended up working on stuff for my second job. All that said, though, I have been much less involved in Twitter and other things that generally waste time... Social media is great for keeping in touch; but I prefer writing a letter (Sidenote: If you want to start mail correspondence send me an email!). Tonight felt lonely, but sometimes that's just how things are. Not much to be done about it, but head to bed and hope that tomorrow will be a better and less exhausting day.

Loss: in Perspective .

After accidentally sleeping through my alarm this morning, I ended up not going to church. However, I didn't want to be a bad Catholic, and so I found an online mass that I could watch. As it turns out, the message I got here was a great one, and I wanted to share that. I can't remember what the gospel was about exactly, but I know it was something in Revelations, which many Catholics find to be one of the most frightening books to read -- end of the world, descriptions and depictions of places you really don't want to end up.

Whatever the reading may have been, the priest was talking about loss, and how some of us might have undergone some really great losses in our lives. This could be the death of a spouse or child, or the loss of a really good friend. We feel that, with those chapters closing, a piece of us dies in the process. Certainly we will never regain that piece -- and there will forever be a hole where those people once were in our hearts.

But imagine how the disciples felt as the time came for Jesus to undergo the passion, and willingly walk into the hands of death. What would it be like to be a disciple during this time? So often (in fact almost always) is the focus during these events on Jesus, his sufferings, and his trials. And yet, we are quick to neglect the feelings that the Disciples might be feeling too. Can you imagine the feelings of anxiety and trepidation if someone close to you told them that they were about to exit your life (whether through moving away or worse, death)?

This was perfect for me -- as I am about to graduate, and move a whopping 2934 miles away from my hometown in NJ (that's door to door, from my street to the front door of Oregon's campus). I will dearly miss the people I've met here and while graduation is exciting, Oregon is exciting, and graduate school is exciting, the elephant in the room is the distance, and the loss of communication. Likewise, these ideas can totally be related to the recent end of my latest relationship. Allow me to explain.

Jesus didn't just leave without saying anything. He prepared them for the loss. He told his disciples three things that would keep them from losing their minds. First, he said that no matter how difficult or jarring things may be, it is all a part of God's plan. God is in control and he knows what he is doing -- all we have to do is trust in God. Second, Jesus explained that his leaving would bring about something even better; and therefore it's necessary for him to depart so that the Father can send down the holy spirit. And that Holy Spirit is not just a memory of Jesus, or a bit of ambiguous knowledge, but rather the love of the Father and the Son, and something to remind everyone of everything he had talked about in life. Finally, Jesus leaves us a gift -- he leaves his peace behind. And this is not peace in the general way we think of peace, but rather a peace in knowing that he will return -- the departure is temporary.

And so to relate back to the current issues of my life: I am physically leaving, but the friendships will remain. Whether it be through letters, emails, texts, tweets, or phone calls, those friendships will live on, and no one can take those memories from me. I just have to trust that people will put in just as much effort as I plan to. Likewise in love, I have to accept that that specific type of love has left my life for the time being -- yet its departure is temporary. I will find another, and that person will have the capability of blowing my mind every day. All I have to do is trust that there is a plan for me. Ironically as it is, I told my parents that exact thing when I called them to break the news. I knew then, and know now, that no matter what happens, God wants me to learn and grow and continue bettering myself every day. There are lessons to be learned, truths to be accepted, and challenges to overcome. But they will not and never will be for naught; as they are always, always, always, leading to something new, something better, something exciting.

After all, you can't cross a river without getting your feet wet.

Interesting Perspective .

I read an article today entitled Gay, Catholic and Doing Fine and I have to say I was absolutely shocked. It was unlike any article I've ever read, and actually really inspiring. While I am not gay and have no idea what sorts of adversity a gay person encounters on a daily basis, whether socially or personally, I can appreciate where the writer is coming from. The best part about it though, for me, is the amount of faith and reverence with which this writer comes from. There is acceptance of self, and acceptance of religion and faith and God.

one size fits all .

The pastor today began by talking about a hypothetical world where all of our wishes were granted, we never went hungry, all opportunities worked out in our favor, everything we needed was there when we needed it. In essence, this is a utopia, the perfect world. But following Jesus is not about getting everything that we need and want. It is about picking up our cross and keeping it with us at all times, just as Jesus did. Needless to say, this is not a literal cross, but a hypothetical one. God does not come and go when the going gets tough, but rather stays with us in our time of need, anger, hope, sadness, grief, joy, happiness, contentment, love. The cross is not tailored to any one individual, and this is where my favorite part of the sermon comes in:

parents & kids at church .

Now, understandably I probably know next to nothing about parenting because I'm not at that stage of my life. But, I do know a thing or two about what kind of parent I'd like to be like, and I will NEVER be that parent that brings their 2 and 3 year old children to church with me. Now, I understand that church, if anywhere, is the one place where you should be most understanding and forgiving, but I'm gonna be real I hate when people bug the crap out of me while I'm trying to pay attention. Allow me to elaborate.

sunday sermon .

Today, the gospel story was about a man who was deaf and dumb, who was miraculously cured by Jesus. Jesus implored them not to tell anyone about it, but the more he told them not to, the more they spread the word.

One thing the priest said in his homily resonated with me: Living as Christian means living in faith. It is important to perceive the great things that we have been given, and it is just as important to perceive when other people need help.

walk with a focus .

The priest's homily today at mass was pretty good. Today's gospel story took place recently after Jesus fed the crowds of 5000 with a few loaves of bread and a few fish. At this point in time, he had a bunch of people following him around all over the place. But the priest explained that many of these people were following in hopes that their mouths would continue to get fed. But Jesus explained that it was important to follow for the right reasons. He even lost some disciples because of it; they just decided that they were following for the wrong reasons I guess.

manna from heaven .

Today was the first Sunday back at St. Andrews, which is the Catholic church I attend in Clemson. It was nice to be welcomed back into a place where everyone sings loud and proud, prays all together and just rejoices in general. Even at the 8am mass, which is what I usually like to go to, things were lively.

we are all salt .

Today's post is inspired by a writing by Max Dubinsky, which I received in my email this morning. Entitled "What I Learned About the Church While Seeking God Outside of It (Part I)" it hits on some of the major things that have always caused some controversy in the church. One of the most mentioned things in the church today is the argument about tithing. Some say, if you're not giving 10%, you're robbing God of what is rightfully His. But I've always preferred the argument that you should give what you can give, when you can give it -- it's as simple as that. God is no mob boss that will hunt you down and whack you if you can't come up with your 10%.

when opportunity knocks .

I used to be a part of a sort of church rock band called Spirit Alive while I was in high school. We would play for masses every month or so and were made up of the music minister and mostly teenagers. I stopped after I graduated high school, but this past month was asked to fill in because the normal drummer couldn't make it and they knew I would be able to pick up the music quickly. One of the guitar players there (a VERY talented guy named Chris) happened to be playing with a group for the annual Colts Neck Fair, and my mom went to see him, since she sort of runs Spirit Alive now.

video responses .

There's been a video going around called "Why I Hate Religion, but Love Jesus." Originally I think it was finding its way around Facebook, and since I don't have one, I hadn't originally seen it. However, someone posted it to one of my friends' Tumblrs and so I ended up being in the digital loop that is normally constrained to Facebook. When I first watched it, I pretty much agreed. But what sort of person would I be if I just took one person's opinion and accepted it without looking at the others? I started to look at the video responses. And what I found began to add a whole new separate part to this story.