a need to be the best .

I am an extremely competitive person. No matter what it is, I desire to be the absolute best. Some might hear that and say hey, that's a good thing. But it's such a strong desire and my competitiveness runs so deep that often I am even willing to cheat to be the best (more so when I was little, rather than now). I don't know where it comes from, as to my knowledge neither of my parents are this way, and I don't really think that it lives in either of my siblings either. But I know that a fire burns within me.


With all of the sports I have dabbled in or invested myself fully in, I have strived to be the best: the one that you can count on in the clutch, the one that is the fastest, has the most endurance, the best kicks/swings/throws/shot. The one that is physically the biggest and can jump the highest. I absolutely detest losing. Even worse, if it is my fault, I beat myself up about it for weeks. I have since learned to control my external emotions so as not to affect my game (actually, I don't show any emotion whatsoever, good or bad reactions, just to keep things simple) because I know how much shittier it used to make my game when I would get upset when I was younger.

But with this desire comes a need. A need, in many cases of many sports, to have equipment. And there is something in me that wants to have the best gear, to aid in my being the best. Sometimes I'll just tell myself it's the equipment's fault as an excuse, but then quickly remind myself that it is the player and the person, not the stuff you buy.

However, good gear can make life a hell of a lot easier. In soccer, your shin guards can be lighter. In basketball, your shoes can have better grip. In baseball, you can have a bigger and softer glove that doesn't hurt your hand so much, and your bat can be better aluminum. In cycling or mountain biking you can have the latest suspension system, the lightest carbon fiber body and components, the least turbulent helmet and the biggest and roughest wheels and tires money can buy.

Recently I've been looking into buying a kayak (along with a PFD and a paddle) to bring down with me to school next year. We're living on the lake, and have our own boat dock, and I want to make good use of it. Naturally, when I started my research into what sort of kayak I'd like to buy (I had no idea there were so many options in the first place) I found that this sport could get expensive awfully fast. Needless to say, I went and started clicking through the 17' and 18' boats made out of composite kevlar and fiberglass, boats that cost well over 1000 dollars. I don't need that. I don't even know if I'll like the sport entirely. I've been before, but never on anything long term. I taught myself about rudders, tracking, hull shape, length, water lines; shit I could write you a book on kayaking now (that's a total complete lie). In the end I decided that something around the 500 dollar range would do. Maybe I can find something used. We'll see.

Why am I so obsessed with this though? This notion that I need to be perfect? When I go on group cycling rides I push myself to the limit and beyond it. I would probably almost risk injury if I didn't have any common sense (luckily there's some of that in my head somewhere). When my body fails to perform, whether it's just because I'm out of shape or not feeling well or the other guys are on a totally different level, this is what drives me to be better. People wonder how I am so motivated to hit the gym all the time, to lift, bike, run, whatever it takes to be in good shape (err.. with the exception of nutrition...). It's because in the gym I want to be the strongest guy there. On the bike I want to be the fastest, I want to be able to climb with the 100 pound guys and sprint with the 200 pound guys. These expectations are not possible!! And I know that; and yet it is still the driving force, the competitive spirit in my nature.

I have no idea how to wrap up this post. I love good sport and good competition, and I'm glad I'm motivated. Sometimes I just feel like it's a little much.