addressing porn .

This is one of the hardest topics to talk about for most people, because it's just awkward and most of the time embarrassing. But I really want to set some things straight after reading Jacy's post the other day. There are tons of women out there whose men are addicted to porn, or struggling to overcome it in some way, and it's greatly affecting their families and their marriage. I get that it hurts to an incredible degree, and there's nothing you can do about it. It also breaks trust, and trust is one of those things that takes a long long time to get back, if it ever even fully comes back at all.


I want to provide the other point of view, because it seems that many women start blogs for the very reason that their husbands are addicted to porn, and I feel like the voices of the men are not heard. Keep in mind these are simply my thoughts and opinions, not law or even a definite voice of reason. Don't be offended.

My experiences with porn probably started in middle school. That's where I was first exposed. Once those pictures are in your head, they're not easy to get out, and you can't just make your thoughts disappear. Testosterone or not, they stick around. And yes, you do feel incredibly dirty. But when push comes to shove, thinking with your other head takes over and it's very hard to control. I can see how from a woman's perspective you would think, "Why don't you just stop? Why can't you just have the will power to quit cold turkey?" Well I could ask a smoker the same thing. I could ask an alcoholic the same thing. Even a crackhead. Why don't you stop putting that cigarette to your mouth? Or even better why don't you stop buying them? Why don't you stop drinking?

The thing about those is that you can separate yourself from the substance. With the accessibility of the internet today, it's very difficult to do that, especially when you can use the internet everyday for almost everything (including writing this post!). When it comes to porn it's just too accessible. And unless you have someone watching over you all the time it's not easy to just make it disappear. And so struggling for a day or a week turns into years. That's right. Years. And right now I feel good, but it has a way of worming its way back in sometimes. But I'm determined to stay strong.

There are ways to help, of course. I used to read a Christian magazine called Breakaway (the male counterpart to Brio magazine) and they often had articles regarding porn and lust. When I was tempted on the computer, or if a more risque image popped up in my day to day whatever (ads can be just as bad these days) I'd just find something blue on the page and stare at that to get my mind off of it. Accountability is nice, but will never work if you don't tell the other person you've slipped back down to the bottom of the hill.

But the most important thing is having support. When my parents found out, I didn't feel supported by them to help me try and solve things. I felt berated and judged. And of course, my mother was much more angry than my father. I think it's something that men just sort of get. They understand, and it's easier for them to understand, because more than likely, they've been there too. Maybe not to the point of what could be considered an addict, but I'm sure it's something almost everyone struggles with.

Strength in numbers helps. At a retreat once I divulged this dark secret in a talk (I was a team leader) and the response was overwhelming. People were so supportive and even though my heart pounded as I read to them my failings and embarrassments they never looked down upon me. I've told almost all of the people I've dated when the time is right, and they have never ridiculed me, or immediately gone and said I was sick and to get lost... all of them have been supportive in the battle, as long as I am honest about it, and I try to be. It's not an easy thing to tell people.

I have this theory a long time back, that God would only allow me to be with a girl when I was beating my own battle. If I fell back down into it, the relationship ended. But I feel like God wants me to be happy with someone, but knows it would end up miserable if I couldn't sort out my own problems first. And of course, thoughts still sometimes cross my mind. Sometimes you just get that urge. But the more days on the list since the last incident, the easier it is to ignore it. But let me tell you, if you know someone struggling with this, they need as much help as they can get. It's not a battle easily fought alone. Most guys don't want to admit it, don't want to be embarrassed or admit that they have an addiction. And of course there are those that just don't care. But for those that do and are working towards a better tomorrow, they need a serious support system. Crying and being hurt all over the internet won't help the situation. You've essentially replaced your S.O. with internet friends. And while it's great for you to be able to recover too, when you find others with the same problem you start growing away from your husbands (my opinion, as I haven't experienced this).

If two builders started building a house from opposite corners without talking to each other, the floors would be slanted, the walls wouldn't match up, and the house would probably fall apart. If you both start rebuilding but in different ways, your foundation won't be as strong as it is normally. It will make it harder to build back up a bond as a couple. It's imperative that you don't shun the relationship, unless you're truly fed up. But then don't stick around; leave. If you are that sick of it and that unwilling to help, then why be there at all? Make it easier for everyone. Either be all in or all out, but don't half-ass the situation. But believe me when I say we need the support. Knowing that there is someone there pulling for you, and someone worth fighting for, makes all the difference.

So what I'm trying to say is that first of all, I think that this is a private matter. Just like you wouldn't air your dirty laundry on Facebook or Twitter, keep this fight between you and your S.O. If you want to document the story, you can make your blog or whatever private. If you want to vent to yourself, do so. Sometimes it helps. But to sit and complain publicly, then do it. I know I'm going to get flack here because I sound so insensitive to the hurt that happens. But I get it. I just think there are better outlets. And while your first inclination might be to betray the privacy of your S.O. since he betrayed you and all your trust, your second inclination ought to be to question why you are doing this. Just as you didn't deserve part 1, surely they don't deserve part 2.

Okay, I think I'm done. I just wanted to address this, and have wanted to for a long time, especially after following some blogs of people that struggle with this exact thing. Let me know what you guys think. I just wanted to attempt to tell the story from the other side.