Church, Emotions and More .

That title is stated as such because I honestly have no idea what to call this. I often have ideas for posts on the tip of my tongue, but they turn into jumbled messes, partitions of ideas and concepts and other weird puzzle pieces. Anyways...

At church today, I had a lot of stuff on my mind. I don't really enjoy going to the 5pm mass on Saturdays, but it's a necessity if I want to go during the weekend because I usually have to work both Saturday and Sunday mornings from 6am to 2pm (which honestly is totally cool with me; I love getting up early so I can get out early). The Saturday evening mass used to be the mass that lots of younger people went to, because they didn't like getting up early to go on Sundays. What I realized today was that it seems that a lot of those people only really went because their parents made them. Now, perhaps I started that way, but I came to find that going, for me, is a healthy thing. Even if some weeks I don't get as much out of it, it is a healthy break from the chaos that is everyday life. It's a break from struggles at work and struggles at home, a time when I can pray and gain reprieve from my emotional rollercoasters (and yes, often there are multiple).

I suppose an easy explanation could be that all these kids, now graduates of college, are out of the house and moving on with their lives. I have a feeling that's not the case given the job market (and man would I consider myself to be in a sad state of affairs if that were the case), however, and that instead my age group just decided church wasn't worth the time. What a fucked up world we live in. Of course, I'm well aware that not everyone likes it, and that not everyone is going to stick with it, and heck, not everyone is even going to ever try anything remotely close to church, and that's totally okay.

During the homily, the deacon (who was subbing in for the priest) mentioned that we should "live every day as if Jesus himself were coming tomorrow." Am I prepared for that? Would I be happy with myself inside if Jesus were to show up on my doorstep tomorrow? I think I literally need to take things a day at a time for that to be the case. But I can't imagine living every day assuming I was going to die tomorrow. I'd do things completely different if that were the case. Imagine trying to knock out a new bucket list every day; it'd be exhausting! Despite the jokes and whatever else, I wouldn't be ready if the second coming were tomorrow. I am not fully satisfied with who I am. And while there's always room for improvement, there are basic building blocks that are crumbling, and mortar that needs to be replaced to solidify a base I've spent 20 years attempting to build.

For reasons unknown to even me, I almost started tearing up today during mass. Maybe my emotions were too overwhelming. Maybe I made a connection spiritually that I haven't made in a long time. Life has been so hard, busy, and chaotic and I just needed a break. Vacation was really good, and it was nice to relax. But I never really checked out of the real world. I brought my laptop and maybe that was a mistake. I wanted to be able to work on music and blogging and all that other stuff. Instead I ended up working on stuff for my second job. All that said, though, I have been much less involved in Twitter and other things that generally waste time... Social media is great for keeping in touch; but I prefer writing a letter (Sidenote: If you want to start mail correspondence send me an email!). Tonight felt lonely, but sometimes that's just how things are. Not much to be done about it, but head to bed and hope that tomorrow will be a better and less exhausting day.

Asking for Help .

In time of need, we simply cannot do things alone. As a race that thrives on human interaction and interrelation, compassion and love are a necessity, in some shape or form. Emotion is difficult to explain though, and it takes time to even figure it out yourself before you fully understand it. I've had bad days before, but for some reason today just sucks more than all the rest of late. Could be lack of sleep, could be stress from projects and exams. Could be that there is just lots of things on my mind that I can't think through and can't really understand.

I'm sitting in studio and it's the last place I want to be. I feel like I need a smoke in one hand and a stiff drink in the other. When I'm distracted with something else (like working out at the gym this morning) everything is fine. But once I sit down and my mind has a moment to catch up and wander, I sink. To tune out studio for a moment, I plugged in my headphones and played some music. And then I prayed. I prayed for just some sort of feeling to remind me that I still really matter, and that I just needed God to listen to be and sit with me and be with me.

I don't know how religious of a person you are, and I don't know your beliefs, nor am I saying that there is some sort of correct way to live life and cope with issues. I don't know if you have something that you relate to having a connection with God or anything like that. Lately I've been praying to my guardian angel though, as I believe that everyone has one of these and that they are very real. The kind of being that puts thoughts in your head to avoid danger, or when you get a feeling that something just isn't right, you get this from your guardian angel, someone sworn to watch over you and protect you. I want to find a way to really be able to communicate with mine.

But anyways, as I listened to Sweet Disposition rattling through my ears, a warmth came over me. Tingles traveled all down my body and I almost shuddered. That was maybe five or ten minutes ago, and every so often I'm getting those tingles again, in smaller doses and various places all over my body. It's nice knowing that I am being protected. That when I am vulnerable, I have a shield. And it's really nice just escaping for a moment. I need it.

As my Blogger friends, thank you to those who always reach out. To those who communicate. Who humor me when I ask questions, or send emails about my problems, or send me snail mail. Thank you to those who have put themselves out there to share their stories and share a large part of themselves with their readers. You mean so much.