When you start a relationship with someone, there is always a pretty large risk inherent with the joy that comes with starting something off fresh. If things turn out badly can we still remain friends? Will I ever get hurt? Is this the person that's right for me? I think it's safe to say that everyone out there would love to find someone that they connect with on such a profound level that they wake up every morning and say to themselves, I can't believe this person is in my life.
But life is complicated, and things may not always work out the way you plan, and while it may suck, there isn't really much else to do but accept it. And so my friends, it is with a heavy heart that I share with you that a chapter closed in my life today. It was simply out of my control, and that's just the way it is.
The first thing I did was call my brother. He's the one who has been there for me forever, and we have talked about absolutely everything. It's not easy being on that end of things, being the person where you feel helpless and all you can do is say that you're sorry. But even just talking to him, I know that he shares my heartache and that no matter how little we talk we will always have that connection, that bond that only a brother can share with another brother. I know that if I ever needed him he would drop everything in a second to be there for me.
I have to say, that I'm somehow not angry, even though I didn't have a say in the matter. How could I be? I spent eight months with someone I found beautiful, inside and out, and who made me happy. I've never felt so connected to someone before.
And yet, being the religious guy that I am, I have to believe that God has a purpose for me. This Easter season, I made it a goal of mine to get back to praying regularly. I was beginning to feel a little bit lost in my spiritual journey, like I was going through all the motions but not making the connections that I really wanted. As we had been having some issues in our relationship, mainly that the communication was lacking and the distance was really starting to have an effect, I have been praying more, but still not as much as I would like. Just yesterday, during Easter mass, I used the individual prayer time in mass to say "Lord, I know that You have a plan for me. Regardless of my own desires and wants, I know that You put me here, and You can take it away. Be it not my will, but Yours, that finds its way into my heart. I give myself to You."
When relationships don't work out, it sucks. You hurt, your mind is preoccupied, and you just don't feel good. But as with all things, it is a learning experience. And I can't help but look back on everything and all that we made it through, and smile. We tackled long distance head on, starting to officially date only a few days before I left for South Carolina. In the almost eight months we were together, we probably only spent maybe one of them physically near each other. I learned how important communication is, how much I value honesty and trust, and how inspiring it can be when you have no doubts ever about your significant other. I re-learned the value of the little things -- cards, texts, emails, pictures; and how when you are separated from the one you love how even just being able to hold their hand and sit next to them means the world to you.
As you all also know, I've been making it a point to stay positive lately. To not dwell on my insecurities or shortcomings, or failures or mistakes, but remember that I can do anything, that I am a good person, and that I am growing all the time. It's cliché, but every cloud does have its silver lining. And while it's easy for me to say these things now, I know that in the coming weeks it will probably be one of the hardest experiences of my life to go through, no doubt. In fact, today was the one and only time in my life that I have ever shed tears over a breakup. But life is complicated, and we never know what's going to happen. Sometimes the cards fall in such a way that there is no end, but to start again.
Today, a chapter in my life ended. And while the blank pages I had planned to write in may very well always remain devoid of ink, I hope and pray that in the end, I can look back with nothing but positive thoughts of amazing times filled with joy, happiness, and love.
Friends, I want to thank you for being there. For those who religiously read, for those who comment and share their thoughts and advice, for those who have contacted me through emails, snail mail and more, for those who have given of themselves to a boy they barely know, I treasure you and I love you all. Please pray for me during this difficult time.