Today I took a break from working and was messing around with Gmail and I ended up putting it into German. Yes, this would be my lame attempt at trying to begin to immerse myself in the language -- it won't work but every little bit helps. But I discovered today that every google chat that you send is actually saved in a cache on Gmail. I began to poke around in my old chats, and went back to the first ones, which were 99.9% from the first girl that I dated in college.
It's weird to read stuff like that over again, things that were only from a few years ago, yet feel like an age ago. It's also weird to read how you were as a person. I think I've grown a lot since then because I seem like a little kid almost -- at least I'm hoping I've grown.
Some people have a certain idea about how long it should be before a couple begins to say 'I love you' to each other. Some jump on that bandwagon very quickly, and others it takes a very long time. I'll be honest, I've said it in the past, and honestly I think there have been a couple of girls that I really meant it to. But I also think that it's very difficult to hear someone say it to you and then not say it back. You're really stuck between a rock and hard place, because either you say it and don't mean it, or you say you're not ready and then the other person feels foolish or embarrassed or something. Unless you really do love them, in which case it all works out fine. Whatever the feeling, I feel like it's really important to just be real, and completely honest.
My current feeling right now is that I'm very cautious... it's hard to really let down all the walls and say that you love someone. Because let's be honest, it's one thing to say it, but you really have to mean it. Then there's the problem of trying to define what love is to yourself -- and once you fulfill that, then I suppose you'll feel at peace giving yourself to the other person.
It's hard to look back at a relationship, or old conversations like that and maybe realize that you didn't mean it, and said it just because it felt good and made the other person feel good. It's hard to say. I haven't had much luck with college relationships, and honestly I think it all worked out for the best thus far because I've had a lot of time on my own to do some soul searching and focus on academics, athletics, and just being healthy and getting my mind body and spirit back on track.
What the future holds is up in the air, but I'm really hoping that one day I'll have someone that I can truly say 'I love you' to, and mean it with all of my heart, and that they feel the same way. If that person is out there, I swear I'm going to grab on and never let go.