Saturday, December 4, 2010

still looking

Over the past few years I've dated a few girls, and there have been a lot that I started talking with and thought, hm maybe.... but it seems like no matter what I do, something is always a bit off. I guess you could say I'm picky when it comes to people. There's a few things I truly look for: a focus on religion, the same view as mine with sex (as in, not until marriage), trust, and honesty.

Though it seems like I can never find the right combination (except in maybe one case). And I can't help but wonder if that one person will show up one day. I always get my hopes up too high and I end up getting let down. I know that I just have to be patient, that God has someone special for me. But I can't get it out of my head that maybe there won't be. Maybe I'll just end up going solo. Strangely enough, I feel like I could live with that -- but then I always think about my dreams of having a family someday, and being able to watch my kids grow up, and being able to be with someone I love unconditionally and who unconditionally loves me.

Emotionally, I consider myself a special case. There's a lot of things that go through my head and I guess a complex heart. There's a lot I don't share about myself and though I may seem real outgoing and talkative, it's generally not about those things that are near and dear to me. There's a lot of things that may bug me that people don't even know about. If you break down that wall and can talk to me about things that are real important to me -- consider yourself lucky. Because I don't often open up unless I really trust you.

That being said, I have no idea how the heck the right girl will ever happen. And I think that maybe I want it too bad sometimes. That I want to be able to share my life so badly and have a special bond with one person that I may overlook things that bother me and not bring them up for fear of them not working out.

Maybe I'm just such an odd mix of things that the combination is just not very compatible. And I think that's one of the reasons why the military is so appealing. Not only was my grandfather in the navy which was inspiring, but I've always just wanted to do it. Life would be less complicated that way, right? Taking orders, and just doing what I'm told. Always a single clear goal, one objective at a time. In the daydreams I have about it, when I envision the arrival back home; I see all the other soldiers having families there waiting for them, or a girlfriend or wife, and when I walk off the plane, it's just me. And I just feel like that's the way it'd be, and I can't for the life of me tell you why.

Sometimes I see myself just sort of living my life for me, and not having a family or anything like that. The sort of life where I don't even have a home, but just travel around and experience life and the world around me, with my guitar or something like that. But I feel like I'd miss out on a lot if I did that.

I think there's just a lot going on in my head right now. I wish that everything was crystal clear, but I guess where would the fun be in that? Nothing is truly clear cut, and that's one of the most interesting and challenging things about life. I often don't understand why things happen to me, or why they happen in general. But regardless, they happen. And I'd like to think God has some extraordinary plan out there for me. But, maybe not. Maybe I'm just gonna go through life, and that's it. I feel that, at least partially, life is what you make of it. And so I suppose my goal should be to put in as much as I can.

I have so many goals, and time seems to fly by. It blows my mind that I've already lived for 20 years. But maybe I need to put aside my desires and wants for awhile, and just let life happen. You know, stop worrying about what has happened and what will happen, and instead, focus on what's currently happen. The other day on the way over to Lee Hall I just looked up and took a good look at the sky. Have you ever noticed how perfectly blue it is? Pretty amazing stuff. Living in the present is one of my biggest challenges, because I am always worried about what is going to happen next, whether that future event is going to be minutes or hours or years later.

Who knows what's going to happen in the future. I know I want someone in my life for the long haul, someone I can start a family with and really spend some serious time with. I know I want my relationship to God to be a good one. And I don't want to lose my religion; after all that's what that one tattoo was all about. I'm getting better in my religious relationship -- but I haven't found that person yet. And it hurts every time things don't work out. So, I have no idea what to do. Because if those things happen, there's nothing you can do about it. It's just -- well, it's life. It's pretty much out of our control. So until then I'll write out my feelings and sing out my emotions, do my best to be a morally good person and let God know, that I'm ready for Him, and whatever great things he has planned for me.

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