Monday, June 3, 2013

Recognition Series: pt. 23 - Courtney B

I have struggled long on this one, debating whether or not I should bother writing anything down. Debating whether I should acknowledge something that involves so much hurt that is so recent. However, I know that despite the difficulty that still haunts me daily, that later in life I will appreciate having written it down now. And so I'll push through. After all, Courtney ended up being a pretty large part of my life for the better part of my senior year.

I guess what it really all comes down to is what I learned from the experience. Embrace the good times, struggle through the heartbreak, and just look at what I can and should take forward with me. I'd like to think that each day gets a little easier, and that each day I can allow myself to heal a little more. I'm still not sure if I'm confident in saying that, but that's what I try to convince myself.

It was amazing to have some to connect so easily to. Amazing to have someone you thought would never give up on you, and amazing to have someone struggle everyday with not being able to see you, but still send you the cutest texts, sweetest emails, and pictures. And at the end of the day, to call that person, and have them excited to tell you about their day, and to end the night with a smile on your face as you confidently tell the other that you love them with all your heart.

We only had the opportunity to see each other 3 times once the long distance started. Four days during Fall Break when she came and visited me, the couple of weeks I was home for Winter Break, and the week of Spring Break when I flew down to Florida and visited her. That time collectively was about a month -- and we dated for almost 8. I feel accomplished in that alone, for it's so hard to go 8 or 9 weeks without seeing someone you love. And even seeing them, you can't hug them, can't hold their hand, can't cuddle with them, can't kiss them or tell them face to face you love them. Relationship-wise, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I found myself treasuring every moment, and always bragging to everyone at school that even though I couldn't see her every day, that I had the best girlfriend in the world, that despite the odds that we were making it.

I guess in my mind we could have at least tried to make it work through the time I was at grad school. If at that point, it didn't, so be it. It wouldn't have been easy to be that far for two years, and I get that. It didn't help that the breakup occurred through email, and I came home from a bike ride to find that email sitting in my inbox when we were supposed to Skype as soon as I got back. That hurt just as much as the breakup in general, that someone didn't think I was worth it to even tell over the phone, or on Skype. Maybe it would have just been too hard, I don't know. But I would have had a lot more respect for her if she did it that way; it would have been the better way to go about it.

I've always wondered about what pushes people to the breaking point. When do you take your doubts and worries and decide that they will prevail over your heart? How to you rationalize it all to yourself? I guess at the end of the day we all have to be a little selfish and just know that sometimes we have to do things for ourselves that might end up hurting others. Being selfless is great, but we need to be happy too. At least I can take solace in the fact that I truly gave it my all. I tried to take everything to heart, to always be there even when I wasn't physically there, to do the cute things that showed I loved her. And I can get down on myself and tell myself it wasn't enough, or I can tell myself that there was nothing I could do, and that it's just her loss and move on. It's never that simple, but it's a start.

Dating Courtney was the best and worst possible thing in senior year that could have happened. It's never fun to have your heart put through a wood chipper and delivered back to you in pieces. But, you cannot know the strength of your faith until it has been tested. And so I persevere. My faith has been tested and I have to give myself up; I have to trust and believe that there is a much greater plan out there for me, and whether that includes a girl or not, I know that my life will be as fulfilling as it can be. A good friend told me recently that I was 'created to be loved.' I have never heard a greater compliment in my life. I think my heart will always yearn for another to share life with, to love unconditionally, and to give the world to. And I haven't found the right person yet, clearly. Who knows, maybe I never will. But I think the great part about life that you can always hope and you can always dream, and no one can ever take that away from you. Your heart is your own, and you can choose to give it to whoever you please, no matter who they are. And if things don't work out, you mourn, you recover, you learn, and you keep trying. The important thing is to never stop trying.

I'm sorry if this didn't make sense or whatever. It wasn't easy to write. While I'm doing better, I do still struggle sometimes. Thanks for all the wonderful people who have been there.


  1. I'm proud of you man. Writing could not have been easy, but you are one of those guys that can take any situation and find the good.

    1. Thanks buddy, that's one of the things I really try to push myself to do in life; live positive, see the silver linings etc. It's a work in progress but I'm getting there!


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