Friday, April 6, 2012

the difference between boys and girls .

I'd like to preface this with the fact that this is done purely for humourous purposes, and I am not attempting to offend anyone, or be rude, or anything like that. So enjoy it for what it is. And of course, this is from a guy's perspective -- so take that into account.

Number 1: Getting ready to go out.
The girl starts hours in advance: Going out means seeing others, and being seen, but more importantly being seen. Especially me being seen. Not that jealous bitch across the room. Everyone should know how hot I look in that $600 dress I bought for one night. I'll retire the dress after tonight. No one should ever see me wear the same thing twice, they might think I can't afford new clothes. Oh, and I'm definitely wearing that new push-up bra. Because even though I don't have big tits, everyone should at least think I do. And I also want to wear the lowest cut shirt possible without becoming topless in the process. I know guys will look at me, and then I'm going to complain about how men see women as objects after I put all my goods out there. Now it's time to burn the shit out of my hair with your straightener, because, let's be honest, guys don't like curls. Better wear the tallest heels I can possibly handle, even though I'm just going to take them off at the bar after complaining about them all the way there. Good thing I packed my flats in my bag that is spacious enough to fit a large baby, or maybe two. My next goal is to cake as much makeup onto my face as humanly possible. Good thing I bought new stuff today, otherwise I would have run out....

The guy wakes up from his midday nap, realizes it has gone from day to night: Hm. Its dark outside. Should I take a shower? Nah. I had one yesterday... I'll just spray shitloads of Axe on myself. No one will know. Damn... no clothes. Guess I'll just reuse something out of the hamper. Things are supposed to be wrinkled anyways, right? Eh. Shoes... where did I put my shoes...

Number 2: Driving.
The girl gets in the car taking a glance in the rearview mirror: Oh my goshhhh my makeup looks awful today. My hair looks awful today! I LOOK AWFUL TODAY. Okay... car on. Radio on. YES. This is my jam! hmmmmm hmm hmh mmh mmmm m hmmm. Stop tailgating me! Seriously? Fine. I'll drive this way. OHMYGODTHATCARALMOSTSLAMMEDRIGHTINTOME!!!! NEVER DRIVING AGAIN!

The guy gets into the car, plopping himself down on seat: Okay, turn the key and... first order of business? Windows down. Music on. Volume? Maxed. Rap music sounds good today. I'm going to look so badass in my gigantic lifted truck. And these sweet tinted windows. Oh wait... my windows are down. No one can see the tints. Eh. Damn, that girl looks good in her jogging outfit. Why is this person driving 10mph BELOW the speed limit? Passing.... I'm gonna slam on the gas too so they really get the point that they're slow as molasses--oh shit. Red light. Slam on the brakes. Okay, time to beat this twat next to me off the line. Slam on the gas -- Getting 2mpg!! Yeah!

Number 3: Food.
The girl is extremely hungry: Ughhhhh so hungry. Where should I go? I really should eat healthy. I'm on that new diet... but oh my gosh Cook Out sounds sooooo good. Mmmmmmm fried chick--NO! I can't! I've already come this far! Well... I did go to the gym today... over 30 minutes on that elliptical... yeah, okay. Fried food here I come! Ah I'm so fat.

The guy is extremely hungry: Man. I need to eat. I better do it quick, I'm sittin' here losing weight. Hmm. Guess I'll go to the store. (At the store) Let's see... bacon, and.... bacon, and more bacon... what else do I need... ah! Steak. Oh and more bacon. And let's see, let me mix it up this time and get Bacon Salt too. To season the bacon. And the steak. Ah, and can't forget the beer. You know what, I mind as well just have a cookout. But just for me. Mmmmm.....

1 comment:

  1. I... Love.... Bacon......

    And this was extremly funny to read too! Thank you for the laughs!(:


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