today .

Today was a weird day, in that after two days of it feeling like Friday, it actually was Friday. And normally, Friday brings a sort of hope of a good few days to come before school resumes. But today, that wasn't really the case. And I wish I could describe what exactly is going on, but I can't. I feel like I'm on a pogo stick, the way my mentality shifts. Some days I feel fantastically productive, like I'm on the right track to a life that I have decided on and with goals that I can achieve. These days there a lot of things that go through my mind daily and it seems like a lot of unnecessary yet unavoidable stressors that are present too. Wish I could say life has been grand, but it hasn't.


Does such a thing result from a poor re-entry from a semester abroad? It's hard to say, because there's no way to look at my life as a third party; I'm living in it. In some ways, I feel like I've connected better with a few people. In many other ways, I feel like I'm losing some friendships that I once had. And in yet even more ways, I feel like I'm plunging off the deep end. I don't like to use the terms 'mope' or 'wallow' but it's what I do when I'm having a tough time. I'm not the sort of person that plays happy music to pull them out of something; instead, I enable it with the best sounds tears can slide down a face to.

And that's not to say that I'm depressed out of my mind or crying my eyes out, because I'm not. But I think I need a break from some stuff. From some things, some activities, maybe even some people. I thought that maybe Canada would provide that sort of solace, and now I'm not sure Canada will even happen. The likelihood is it won't. And logically? It probably shouldn't. Financial situations are always a bitch.

Weird how when all is said and done at the end of the day, that no matter what you do, you just end up feeling lost. Lost in a life that is supposed to be your own; lost in a life where nothing seems to matter anymore. For once, it's not schoolwork. It's not the tests; it's not the projects, and it's certainly not the teachers in any way. And yet here I sit in some unexplainable funk that will not allow itself to be tamed by simple means. It's a curious case.

Ever wanted to talk to a therapist just to see what they'd discover? Talking to someone I don't know and allowing everything to come out with zero filter and no walls might be really interesting. I don't even know what I'd be looking for in that, though. And it's very possible I'm searching for an answer that doesn't exist.

While I knows days will get better, I also know that there will also always be days that are absolute shite. And I'm okay with that. All I can is to hope that when I wake up, I feel refreshed and more alive than I do at the bottom.