Alright. Time to get down to business. I've been putting this post off all day, trying to figure out how the deuce I was going to focus on one topic, after all the kinds going through my head. And what I've realized is that, I can't choose. So this is probably going to be an incredibly long post. Bear with me -- and if you read the whole thing, bravo to you.
I was struggling yesterday. With some internal conflict, with some confusion, with some stuff that just didn't make sense, whether due to my lack of knowledge or wrong interpretations. I didn't want to talk about it. I can't and don't want to post about it here. I share a lot of things, and you guys, my blogging family, have been some of the truest friends I've ever known. But truth is, this one just needs to stay inside me.
Well, I didn't wanna talk about it. And this morning, while I was watching "Once" I had a sign. I honestly can't remember what it was... but it was quite obvious that it was God telling me to speak up. I don't hear from Him as much as I used to anymore. But I'd be lying if I said I've made an effort to keep in touch. Here's to hoping this is a new beginning; Lord knows I need it.
I can't say that it was the best thing to speak out on it. But I just need to trust that it was. I've never been pointed wrong when I get that feeling -- that unmistakable shiver going from the top of my head all the way down to my toes. A pins and needles feeling that won't go away, as if someone grabbed on to you and just held you tight, in a loving embrace. And it's not just that something on my body like my foot fell asleep. There's no explainable reason for it; it just happens. And it's at those times that I just need to yell at myself, "Wake the fuck up! What are you doing!?" It's always a wake up call -- and I know that no matter how much I think I'm in control of my life, and I'm doing the right thing, that nothing could be more clear than that wake up call. So big guy, thanks for that. And I'm going to try to listen better from now on. Everyone needs a little help.
Second thing I want to talk about it how people change. I feel like it can happen overnight. Like one day, they feel one way, and the next day it's gone. Nothing could have been a better example than when I dated a girl back in freshman year, and we had a great weekend, and then out of nowhere, she just said her feelings changed. She ended it. I'll never understand why, or what I did wrong, or how it happened. I still don't to this day.
Recently the harsh realizations have gone on the attack and I'm starting to see more and more of them. And whether they're legitimate reasons for fears or stress, they still exist and I don't know how much more if I can take of it. Let's hope I have the strength inside me to keep going, and have the right people in line to support me through it all. Here's to all of you guys, because I know no matter how recent of a follower you are, you've been here all the time. Hell, after all that's one of the reasons I have "inner strength" tattooed on my arm, right? May it always be a reminder that no matter what happens, better things are on the horizon, and that I shouldn't get caught up in the unfortunate passings of the present.
When people say they'll be friends forever, I never know what to say back. I don't use the word forever anymore. I can't make that promise. Anytime someone has made it to me, it's been broken. That's okay. But I'm not going to use such a heavy word if I can't truly promise that to you. It's one of my biggest fears that friends change for the worse and that they'll never be the same as you remembered them. I don't have a lot of friends... and the ones I do have I truly treasure and they mean the world. I know that no matter where I go, I have them as backup and that they are a place of solace, where I can truly be myself. I wonder what will happen upon graduation. Will the friends I've made at school disappear and fade away? Or will they attempt to keep in touch? I'd hope the latter, but after living through high school's decimation of friends, I know it will probably be much less people than I expect. I've already lost quite a few in college.
The worst part about losing friends? It's completely out of your control. You can't do anything. And as much as you'd like to, you can't change it. You can't force people to be a certain way. And at the end of the day, you just need to live with it. For awhile I had gotten pretty decent at this, pretty decent at rolling with the punches and icing the bruises. It's safe to say I've relapsed, and I know I'm going to let a few people figuratively pummel be before I break out of the daze and wake up. Let's hope those aren't too bad.
Since I've had some hard times in my life, I've lived my a new rule -- never let yourself get too close. Upon writing this, a song from church comes to mind where one of the lines says 'harden not your heart.' But it's quite clear that mine has been made of stone for years. Quite frankly, I'm afraid of letting it open too much. And in the end, I may very well be suffocating what little of it I have left. It'll take some pretty special to open it back up. My rule was reinforced recently when I let myself break it several times, and ended up back at the beginning. Time to board it up again for the time being. I'm better off on my own.
Ever realize how no matter how far you run, your problems will follow you? I am not good at facing my issues. I much prefer just shutting myself off, turning a blind eye to it. And running. Always running. Trying to rationalize the things that happen and my responses. Trying to rationalize the way I work, and why everything seems to be so much bigger than it is. I've heard before that trying to run away from things is useless. That no matter what they follow you. I should listen more. But I still try... I'm still tempted to try to weasel my way out, to see if perhaps I can get to a place where there is only sunshine and the clouds have not been able to penetrate my internal utopia.
Let me save you the trouble of trial and error in telling you that it doesn't exist. But we haven't even gotten to the worst part. How many times will I wake up in the morning and stare sleepily into the mirror and realize that this is where the problem begins. That those blue eyes hold more than fear and anger. That they hold guilt, blame, and so much more. That what was once vibrant and innocent is now aged, cynical, and cold. And though I may not say a single word, you can almost hear the screams from inside. Does it all start with me? Is there something wrong there? I wish I knew. Such is life -- always a challenge to keep going and figure things out along the way.
I know in the future I'm going to continue to try and run. It's just who I am.. I prefer to avoid the confrontation and try to find some magical solution. And I'll hold onto any sort of hold that exists, even if I know that there is no thread of reality in sight. So it's time to stop running. It's time to turn around and face whatever is there tormenting you. Even if the thing that's continually chasing is what lies in the mirror. I'm going to try to do that... and while I'm sure I'll fail many times, maybe one day I'll get it right and rid myself of all the weight.
Last few things.
Over the course of yesterday and today, I watched the movies Once and PS I Love You. Both great films; you should watch them both if you haven't seen them. The messages in both are awesome, and the music in both are equally moving. Given my fragile state of mind, it was just what I needed. And despite the clouds rolling into New York City this afternoon, I made my way onto the train and enjoyed the ride home over the fields and the water. It's time to stop thinking so much and let myself be. Live in the moment a bit. Focus once again on myself and not try to analyze and question so much.
And finally? To close this post, and this chapter, I'll appropriately mention the song I want played at my funeral. For I don't want my funeral to be a period of mourning, but a time of reassurance that no matter what I will never leave. That my soul will forever be a part of those who knew me and were always there for me. And the song that conveys that best is "If I Ever Leave This World Alive" by Flogging Molly.
So friends, I'll thank you then and I'll thank you -- for the things you did in my life. For the ways you affected me, supported me, influenced me, and inspired me. I haven't spilled my heart out like this in awhile. To be honest, I'm nervous of the responses. But I know that posting here is one of the safest places that I can. If you've made it all this way through, thank you! Have a fantastic rest of the week.
Today's Thought Provokers:
Have you ever felt like God was speaking right at you? Ever get something that couldn't possibly be a coincidence, and just had to be a sign? What happens when you feel when God is around you?
Would you rather see someone again and realize they've changed, or never see them and have a fond memory? Have you lost any friends that you really wished stuck around?
What sorts of things do you find make you want to close off from the world? What problems do you have that make you want to run?
Did you ever think about when you die, what song you'd want played?