Thursday, March 15, 2012

what is expected .

This one comes from the daily blog perusal. There are some girls out there who claim that they are "old fashioned." Well, old fashioned carries a lot of different meanings. And yet, the one that they are referring to is one of chivalrous consequence, one where by definition the guy in a relationship will pamper, adorn with gifts and shower with every sweet feeling and emotion possible his significant other (forgive the horrendous grammar; trying to make a point). But I think that a lot of girls use the "I'm old fashioned" remark as a fa├žade for "I really don't want to pay for anything, my boyfriend should be doing that."

Now before you get defensive (girls, put down your pitchforks), just hear me out. There are several things that really bother me when girls say that. And these somewhat apply to simply the time of our lives that we're in, as in the age group, if you will.

Let me start off by saying that if it were my girlfriend, believe me, I love snuggling up, taking her out, giving heartfelt gifts (when appropriate) on special occasions or just ordinary days, and making her feel like the most wonderful girl in the world. If I'm dating someone and really care about them, then that's what I should be doing. But I think that there's a lot more to relationships than a boy treating a girl like a delicate princess of a flower. Like you might break any second, and the only thing that will keep you in one piece is this gift and that gift and this fancy whatnot. In my eyes, relationships are about a wonderful balance of give and take. And the things that you sacrifice for someone else usually end up benefitting you in the end. You can sacrifice your time, and you get to spend it with another wonderful person. You can sacrifice some money, and have a great time out together.

But the thing about girls who are "old fashioned" (or so they think) is that they've come to expect everything to be paid for. Personally, I would be offended if we went out on a date and you hadn't even come prepared with money. Now, if it was our first date, I would gladly pay, but I would be much more inclined and willing to do so if you offer to do so. It shows a level of maturity that is appealing to me -- and by that I mean it shows that your mindset is that of responsible adult, knowing that in this world, in this economy, sometimes it's hard to open up your wallet for things. It shows me that you thought that not only was I worth your time, but you were willing to spend the money, in exchange for time with me. And to me, if you're willing to do all of those things, I can foot the bill for that night.

After that though, it would be great to split things. Or even take turns taking each other out. Fact of the matter is, we're all tight on money these days. And while watching movies at home while cuddled up on the couch is awesome, sometimes you just need to get out and do something and get some fresh air. There are plenty of things to do for free, but there are also things that cost a little bit. And spending money on those things is not a big deal. It's easier on the both of us if we just figure out a way to split things.

I think there are girls out there that are waiting for a guy to really knock them off their feet, woo them to some unimaginable degree, and shower them with sweet (and expensive) gifts. I certainly don't mean to group all females into superficial materialistic monsters; I'm just saying that they do exist. And while those things are awesome, and granted if I were in your position receiving gifts for no reason, I would be in awe that someone thought I was worth it to do all that. But then you have to ask yourself if what you're feeling is because of the person or what they've given you. Gifts are awesome because they don't happen all the time. They take you by surprise when they do. And in my experience, ones that are not found in a store are the best kind. I've written poems, recorded songs, and tried to be as original as possible in my gift giving. Not only does it cost less, but it means so much more. Am I being cheap? You be the judge. Monetarily, maybe. But it's only because I think that you're worth more than something that's found in a store. When I give a gift, it's the only one of its kind, and it was made personally for you.

Relationships being able to give, but also receive. And to always expect that a person should be giving to you makes you seem selfish, and quite frankly, extremely rude. So, some aspects of old-fashioned are nice. I like the idea of chivalry and being courteous to a lady. I think asking a father for his daughter's hand in marriage is really cool too; it makes you feel like that's really the right thing to be doing and makes you feel blessed in your decision. And while I'm sure all of us would like to keep our wallets closed entirely for a night out, sometimes slipping a few dollars can go a long way in the end.


  1. I personally have always felt that "non-monetary" activities (i.e. stargazing, hiking, strolls down small town antique districts just to look in the shops) make the best dates. They're also the most romantic.

  2. This is a great post! Funny, it brought to my mind something a guy once said - he and I weren't serious by any means, just having some fun. Apparently he liked me a bit, as he was saying things like "I just want to buy you things, like jewelry!" (or something like that). I thought it was so cute because he was just giddy like a little kid - but in my mind I was thinking, "Keep the diamonds, I'd rather get my kids a trip to the dentist!"

    Anyway, this is such a valid point you've made. While my daughter is only eleven, she's getting into the googly crush stage, so we've been talking about what is important to look for in a boy, what boys' expectations might be of her, etc.

    I'm doing my best to raise a strong, independent young woman who can appreciate a man holding the door for her, yet who can hold her own when it comes to her turn to pay for the date. It's a tricky balance of being strong but not too strong, delicate but not too passive, likeable but not a pushover.

    And I'm so with you on the gift thing - I MUCH prefer something hand made, or written, or to be taken somewhere special, or whatever - than be given a gift from a store.

    Ok I've rambled enough...

    Kim :)

    1. incredibly well said, Kim. "delicate but not too passive, likeable but not a pushover"

      With your guidance I'm sure your kids will turn out fabulous! You should be proud of yourself.


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