I think everyone can pretty much agree that if you have a problem, or even a bad habit, it's not easy to get rid of. Maybe it's something as trivial as biting nails, or maybe it's a bit heftier of a habit -- can we say... addiction?
It's hard. There's no doubt about it. Especially if it's something you don't really want people to know about. It's not easy asking for help, it's not easy to admit that you are wrong and to seek help. It's not easy to come clean, and it certainly isn't an easy road back to where you used to be.
I want to be real with everybody. I've been there. And in some senses, I am there. Suffering from an addiction, one that none but a few souls are aware of. My goal for this year is recovery. It is the get back on the path I strayed from, and back to the life I'm meant to lead. I apologize for being so vague -- but it's simply that I don't wish to disclose what is actually truly going on. But it's been bothering me and I feel like writing about it, even as vaguely as this, may help to rectify some of the loose ends in my mind.
One of the hardest things about being put in such a predicament is that you don't know where to turn. Sure, friends are there. But will they truly understand? And you can't help but judge someone, no matter what they say. I'm not worried about losing friends, and I'm not worried about being all alone. I know I have people there for me should I need them. And you sure as hell can't go to your parents -- they wouldn't understand. There, all I would receive is judgmental condemnation for my actions. What is in the past is in the past, and at the end of the day, I am aware of what has happened. But we cannot dwell on what has happened in the past, for we will surely miss the present.
Instead, I must persevere to keep my focuses on a resolution to the problem. Needless to say, these sorts of situations are not easily conquered. Hollywood's underdog may easily rectify the situation, passing through with flying colors, and all the benefits that go along with it. But this isn't a movie -- it's real life.
Recovery is a long process. Healing takes time. It's like when you lie to someone. If they know you've lied -- it will almost certainly be a long time before they ever trust you again. But what happens if you lie to yourself -- if you tell yourself you will do one thing and you disregard those wishes for stronger emotions at hand? At what point are you able to pull yourself out of the hole of guilt, pain, and anger at oneself in order to stand once again above the surface of the earth? More importantly -- at what point do you give up? Do you accept failure as a person, and failure in yourself? These are questions I think about often.
The other scary thought is the scenario where you never get over the addiction. Where it haunts your every waking moment, where it penetrates your nightmares, and hits you hard when you are least expecting it. I'm afraid of this, my problem has been going on a long time, and I have suffered a lot. But I am both the perpetrator and the victim.
This may be a darker side that you may not have seen in times past. It just goes to show that sometimes there are things beyond us, that we are unaware of. As we begin this new year and I struggle to overcome my past and deficiencies, I ask that you be generous towards me in prayer, for I surely need it.