Tuesday, June 14, 2011

running .

I had the urge today to run. I didn't have a particular destination, but I wanted to get out and leave. Upon telling a friend later in the day of the unforeseen inkling, the only word I could find in a sea of the dictionary was but this: trapped. Whether it was just from being in the house too long or perhaps something a bit more extreme; being under my parents' roof for too long I know not. In some ways it may have been that I just needed to get out. However, I had already been out of the house today -- once to bike and another short trip to Wawa to get milk for the house and a cup of coffee with my father upon his request. I must say, I certainly didn't mind the cool air dancing across my arm as it hung out the window, while the patchy clouds turned the rays of the moon into a light show across the sky.

And yet I would have preferred that I was on way somewhere alone, with an unknown destination. It wouldn't even be possible to have an estimated time of arrival, because who knows if there would even be an arrival. I think that a lot of things for me have not so much been about the ending points, but the trip it took to get there. When I was little it was never much fun having things built already -- the fun was in the process of building them, with things like erector sets, k'nex, legos and the like.

But today was not just a feeling of wanting to get out for a few hours. It was more of a want of leaving and not coming back. Nothing today was particularly bad, and there were really no arguments. In fact, other than the occasional distaste of bothers bestowed upon me by my parental figures, today was a pretty perfect day. Most days I just want to be left alone, without a care to worry about.

It came out of nowhere, but the only thing I wanted to do was sell all of my belongings, but for one or two sets of clothes, pack myself one bag, toss my phone and laptop and all over materialistic items in the trash and set off somewhere. Transportation may have been a slight roadblock had I followed through on it... I obviously wouldn't be taking my parents' car, nor am I sure that I would have even had enough money to buy something on the spot. Perhaps hitchhiking would have been the obvious choice, despite its illegality in my state.

In all sublimity, I would assume that there is a disturbance in my subconscious that cannot be explained. There is some sort of yearning to escape, whether there is something to escape from or not. Truth be told, the most probably cause of such a feeling is wanting to escape from the worst thing in your world -- yourself. In a battle that will never end and a chase that will leave yourself running in circles, you can never escape yourself, but for in death. However I don't intend for this to be an excuse to explore suicidal tendencies. Trust me, I don't think I could ever reach that point.

Maybe with a life of desired risk and travels is my attempt at escaping -- both myself and the realities that have been set in stone around me. But one thing will remain the same: No matter how far you run, one day it will all catch up to you. And one day you will have to face it all, especially if that means looking into a fear and losing yourself in the thoughts that suddenly bob to the surface of your mind.

But somehow the clock's hand will continue to move as grains of sand simply do not have enough friction to cease to drop. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds -- but without some sort of time, will our journey on the lam ever really be over?

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