cynicism & me .

A few weeks ago before break I sat down and had a long conversation, bit of a life talk if you will, with a friend whom I am still getting to know (I'd like to think we recently bridged the gap from acquaintances to friends..). Anyways, we got to talking about various topics and she commented at the end of it all saying I seemed extremely cynical. Cynical is one of those words that I find is hard to describe or slap a definition on, but I went to the dictionary anyways later and one part of the definition was that a cynic was "distrustful of human sincerity or integrity." I can't say that I disagree...


And so I began a thoughtful evaluation of it all. Over the course of those few weeks, I began to realize that yeah, maybe I am distrustful of society. Extremely. I do have those who are close to me and I appreciate them highly and would pretty much do anything for them -- but when it comes to other people beyond that; strangers, acquaintances, etc., I honestly could care less. It's not because I'm a bad person or have ill-wished their lives, but instead I am just apathetic, and think that their business and their lives is purely their own and I don't really have a desire to be involved in it.

This led me to ask myself, how the fuck do I make friends with an attitude like that. Good question -- I don't know, sometimes you just click with people and it happens.

I tend to perceive life as an 'every man for himself' world. The politics of "alliances" or groups of any sort just ends up poorly. And thus, I look out for myself, and that's about it (with the few exceptions of close friends that I back up). And that's something that I've built up over time, mainly because of failed relationships or things of that sort. You put in so much emotion, so much of your time, energy, effort, and what happens? You just get fucked in the end. And I'm okay with that, which is the weirdest thing.

Some people find that really disturbing that I just let anything go. Truth is, though, I just don't have the energy to put into it anymore. I'd rather just go with the flow, and what happens happens, and that's life and I'll deal with it internally on my own. That's not to say that there are never occasions where I reach out, or where I fight for something; you gotta understand that what I'm talking about it more on of a level of majority as opposed to absolute and total scenarios.

So for example, if I'm dating someone and they randomly just say, I'm not feeling this anymore -- then hey, fine, I'll move on. Many would think that with that reaction I don't give a shit. Well, yes and no. I do care about the person, but if they don't reciprocate the feelings that I have, then what's the point? No use in prolonging the inevitable. At the same time, life goes on. So while I care about the person (obviously, if I'm dating them I do) I am not really bothered by the situation of a break up.

I guess that's sort of what spurred the main talk on cynicism. Relationships. They're always going to be difficult. And school will always be hard, work will always be stressful, and I probably will always struggle with my personal demons that often times contradict the teachings of the church. Such is life. The easiest thing to do with it is just let it go and move on. If you expect the worst in life, the best can surprise you. If you're always hoping for the best or much worse expecting the best, well then you're setting yourself up for major disappointment and major failure.