Tuesday, June 5, 2012

comical words of wisdom: the food edition

After the last set of these that I did (which still remains nameless, because NONE of you even attempted to come up with a name!) was wildly successful and entertaining to many a reader, I've decided to bring it back for another go. This time, food, is the subject of satire, and these are obviously things that all of you will want to remember first and foremost throughout your lives.

Feel free to read Part 1.

1. Don't read the nutritional facts on desserts. Ever.
2. If you do read the nutritional facts, first smack yourself in the face and return to #1. Then get yourself some tissues, because believe me, you ARE going to start crying.
3. Any person who actually stays to a 2000 cal/day diet is insane. So disregard the Daily Value intakes.
4. Live to eat, don't eat to live.
5. Eat what you want, whatever it may be. Exercise is more important anyways.
6. Eat your dessert first. That way, if you become full, at least you got the good stuff in your stomach.
7. PETA stands for People Eat Tasty Animals. Because, they do.
8. Being a meatetarian takes hard work. But I manage.
9. If skim milk is 0% fat, and 2% is 2% fat, shouldn't whole milk be 100% fat? It's not, because a) then it would be pure lard and b) whole milk is actually 3%.
10. Neither tomatoes nor potatoes are vegetables. But we can all pretend that they are.
11. Appearance is everything. I don't care if it tastes great; if it looks like dog shit, I ain't eatin' it.
12. I love people who ask for their food extra rare. Would you like me to give you the opportunity to shoot it too?
13. Why do people eat fish? When you cook it, it just makes your house smell for the next three weeks.
14. On the subject of fish, fish are a fuckin' chore to eat. Even if you got all the skin off, you still have to worry about choking on one of the gazillion bones hiding in the meat.
15. There are farm-raised fish and wild-caught fish.But personally, I prefer kiddie-pool raised.
16. Saying McDonald's chicken nuggets are made with real fresh meat is like saying that Bill Clinton is a real honest straight-shooter.
17. Yogurt was great the way it started. Now they're making souffles, mousses, and extra-protein yogurts. It was good originally. Stop fucking with it!
18. If you ever want to convince your parents to go out to eat, just remind them that they don't have to cook or clean up or wash the dishes. It won't take much.
19. Worried that the meal you cooked is going to taste like shit because you fucked it up in the oven? No worries. Have wine with it. Lots of wine... you won't even notice the difference.
20. The best food to eat is cheese: it tastes great, it goes with everything, and it's not an official dessert so you don't have to feel as bad eating tons of it.
21. Fuck eating etiquette, if I'm hungry, I'm going to eat like a starved child.
22. If your mouth is watering while you're reading this, stop reading. Go get something to eat. Back? Okay. Now put down anything you got to drink because you know you're going to laugh and choke and I'm not going to be held responsible for that. That's why I said eat, not drink. Okay, now continue reading.
23. Cereal is the best. You can eat it for any meal, and you don't even have to cook it.
24. Anyone else get really pissed off when there aren't enough raisins in the Raisin Bran? I hunt those things down, because it's certainly not the same when you just dump raisins in with the bran. I need that extra sugar coated stuff.
25. Cooking popcorn is like sex. Don't do it long enough and you're left unsatisfied. But go too long, and it'll start to burn.

And on that note, seriously... go get something to eat.


  1. haha!!! Thanks for the laughs :)

  2. I'd say this should be the 'foody bible'! So totally me! Sadly, I do live to eat... but I don't even mind the fish, though can't go without meat for too long... and never EVER read the nutrition details on deserts... and ALWAYS start with desert in Yo Sushi restaurant... sex is also good, ahem, I mean popcorn! :D x

  3. Sorry friend....I promised this to you. Ummm...how about:
    *The Chronicles of what I know so far...
    *Wisdom - Take it or leave it
    *Lists to live by
    I'll try and come up with some more...I'm on it!


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