When you have demons that torture you, there is no place to go. It doesn't matter where you run. I'm so ready for graduate school. I feel lost at home, I feel lost at school, I don't want to be at either, and I don't want to be at work. But being at work is the only reprieve for the bullshit at home. I don't want to argue, but year after year it proves to be inescapable. Whatever the cause, I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I have a feeling that when I leave home after I graduate, I may very well not ever come back.
Money is such a bitch. It feels like you need it to survive, to do anything, and I don't even have to worry about food on the table or anything like that. I'm in my early 20's. I'm in college. This is supposed to be the best time of my life. The time where I should be trying new things, doing some fun things, experimenting. However that may be. After an argument with my father over several things he notified me I owe my parents around 2 grand. That is probably about a good quarter of what I'll make this summer, if not closer to a third. I know how much money it takes for me to survive in school -- and even with the loans, the continuing expenses will pile up and I know that I won't have enough. I may look for a third job before the summer is out. Yes, you read that correctly, a third.
I hate feeling so locked down, so trapped. But that's what money does.
The homily that the priest said this morning talked about how America is such a greedy country. And maybe we are, but who isn't? Everyone wants to live comfortably. I can't imagine what stress does to you over years of worrying about money and how the hell you're going to pay for all these things. Maybe it's seriously easier to just be homeless, where you know that you'll never have money. Your luxury is having life itself, not buying things or having a place to live or a car.
What the fuck, life. Be less of a bitch.