Sunday, June 17, 2012

no escaping .

When you have demons that torture you, there is no place to go. It doesn't matter where you run. I'm so ready for graduate school. I feel lost at home, I feel lost at school, I don't want to be at either, and I don't want to be at work. But being at work is the only reprieve for the bullshit at home. I don't want to argue, but year after year it proves to be inescapable. Whatever the cause, I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I have a feeling that when I leave home after I graduate, I may very well not ever come back.

Money is such a bitch. It feels like you need it to survive, to do anything, and I don't even have to worry about food on the table or anything like that. I'm in my early 20's. I'm in college. This is supposed to be the best time of my life. The time where I should be trying new things, doing some fun things, experimenting. However that may be. After an argument with my father over several things he notified me I owe my parents around 2 grand. That is probably about a good quarter of what I'll make this summer, if not closer to a third. I know how much money it takes for me to survive in school -- and even with the loans, the continuing expenses will pile up and I know that I won't have enough. I may look for a third job before the summer is out. Yes, you read that correctly, a third.

I hate feeling so locked down, so trapped. But that's what money does.

The homily that the priest said this morning talked about how America is such a greedy country. And maybe we are, but who isn't? Everyone wants to live comfortably. I can't imagine what stress does to you over years of worrying about money and how the hell you're going to pay for all these things. Maybe it's seriously easier to just be homeless, where you know that you'll never have money. Your luxury is having life itself, not buying things or having a place to live or a car.

What the fuck, life. Be less of a bitch.

6 comments:

  1. Agh, you remind me why I never went to university... the financial strain and the constant arguments with my mum simply drove me away from home as soon as I turned 18.

    And everything turned out for the best - I get on with my mum tremendously over distance... and though I had to start from nothing in the foreign country - all's good today.

    You just keep your head up and fight! That's what life is about! Never give up!

    xxx

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    1. Thanks Hannah, you always leave the best comments!

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  2. Over the years I have found that the less I have, (material possessions), the happier I am. When I left wife number 3 all I had was a motorcycle and one suitcase of clothes, probably the happiest time of my life. If home and school are two places where you don't want to be, figure out where you DO want to be and go there. Money is just a tool, use it as such. Hang in there friend. :-)Oh, one other thought. Whose life are you living?

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    1. Great words Steve. I agree, less is always more -- it's just less to worry about. I have one more year at my undergrad university. soon as I finish school though -- I'm just gonna go around and figure out what I'm doing. Thanks for the encouragement, friend!

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  3. definitely will keep you in my prayers that you'll find a way to get through school.

    If there's anything good that can come out of this is that when you eventually find a stable financial situation is that you'll understand people who are going through the same situation as you are. I know a lot of people who have never had to work for anything in their lives (their parents just take care of them and let them spend as much as they want) and you'll be in a better situation in terms of knowing how to manage your money.

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    1. Amen. I'm glad my parents did stuff like giving me an allowance and sort of helping me along to manage my money. I'm definitely more aware of stuff I spend now, and really have to budget! College is the hardest part because you're spending so much and not really making much, if anything!

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