Monday, May 16, 2011

what keeps you going .

If someone ever asked you what kept you going: fear, or love, what would you say? Do we constantly have those nagging fears that push us towards our goals? Or is it more complicated than that? Do we simply love what we do so much that life moves by without a hitch? I know I'm presenting a ton of questions here. But just bear with me, and maybe take a moment to think about it before clicking the 'read more' button.

I was revisiting things I had bookmarked on the internet today, because after awhile it simply becomes an absolute mess of miscellaneous material without any structure, and so I was going through and deleting some things and filing away others into bookmark folders. Well I came upon an old video that I watched some number of months ago, and if you were following my blog then you might remember a post about a video I saw where a guy basically stopped to talk to people in the NYC subway trains, because people don't talk to other people in the trains.

Well, the question "what keeps you going, love or fear?" is presented in this video, and upon watching the video this time, it was the thing that stuck out the most for me.

I began to wonder about myself and what my motivations were. Unfortunately I think that it's safe to say that fear has an impenetrable grasp on the position of what dictates my life. Now, that's not to say that I'm not happy, and it's not say that I live a life of cowardice... But what it does mean, is that fear is the driving motivation in my life.

But on the general, fear is not the thing itself. It is fear of something. I think that the most prevalent one in my life is the fear of failure. Let me explain -- I'm putting all of this money, this effort, this time into school. It pretty much will eat up six years of my life, and if it weren't for the fact I feel like I couldn't get a good job without it, maybe the only reason we would be going is because parents told us we had to. Regardless, I have to do well in school, not just because my parents will behead and disown me if I don't, but I do for myself too. Employers don't want an average employee, they want someone who can learn, excel, and teach in their field, someone who is motivated and driven.

You can look around you and see the different levels that people live on. If I finish school and can't find a job, what the heck am I going to do? I don't mind relocating... but the decision to go somewhere after school drastically affects where I will live the rest of my life. Moving is a chore, we all can agree on that. It takes a lot of preparation, work and money. I don't imagine it is something I'd want to do often. Regardless of how free-spirited I feel, I just don't think I'd want to be bouncing around living out of boxes. It becomes even more unappealing once you have a family. Who would want to make their kids live out of a suitcase; who would want to force their kids to make new friends every couple of years?

I just feel like with going to school for architecture, I'm putting all my eggs in one basket. I don't want to be stuck doing some random job where I live paycheck to paycheck, day to day, barely scraping by. And unfortunately the cruel reality is the realization that that very well could happen, depending on how the economy is by the time I graduate.

The fear lies in the 'what-ifs' of life. What if I don't find a job? What if I don't find the right person to marry? What if I can't make enough money to pay my bills? What if I get hurt, permanently? What happens if I fall asleep at the wheel? What if I don't succeed? What if I die before I do all that I want to do? These things worry me. These are the things that pass through my mind when it is not filled with all the other day to day things that need to be worried about. These are the fears; these are the motivators.

All I've talked about up until this point is fear. But what about the love? I think it can be just as strong, if not stronger. How do two people keep it together even if they're far apart? How do you work through the problems and curveballs life throws at you? It's love. It's there, you just need to capture it and make it work for you. And it's not just love in a relationship sort of way -- it's how you live your life; it's how you love your life. How can we take the pain and all of the hurt around us, and overturn it with the simple love in our hearts?

And most importantly, how can I take my fear-driven motivation and turn it into excitement and love of life? Let's be honest -- it's all a work in progress, here on the road of life.

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