Monday, May 23, 2011

friend cycles .

In a way, this sort of continues a bit of stuff that was started in the previous blog post. Perhaps it would behoove you to go read that one first so you're not confused, but I'll do my best to just to sort of keep it to a point where you can understand without reading the post though. You know, to be all confusing and such but clear at the same time.

I've realized over the years that friends go in cycles. Some are short and some are long, but it seems like where there's a beginning, there's an end. Perhaps that's a bit of a depressing thought if you assume that all of your current friends will be gone in the near future. But if you think about it, at every major life change, something will drastically change -- and I think, inevitably, as will your friends.

I had two kids I considered best friends in elementary school. One faded out towards the end of middle school. The other I haven't talked to but once or twice in the past year. People change. Life goes on. Accept it, or sit and mourn, dwelling in the past. I refuse to do that. I have no problem continuing on, leaving behind what I know, leaving behind what I have become accustomed to. In some ways, that may help me. In other ways, that makes it too easy to run. Too easy to give things up. At what point do I stop and fight for it?

There was a group I sort of hung out with in middle school. But I'm not sure what happened, things didn't sit right; didn't fit right. In high school I found a group I thought I was tight with. But it always seemed like I was butting in on their time; I wasn't invited to things and I felt weird asking to go. We had some fun times, but it always made me uneasy. Needless to say, I don't like feeling like I'm in someplace where I don't belong. But that's how it felt; that's how it was. And I don't want pity invites. So I kept my mouth shut; I keep my mouth shut.

Sure I had people I hung out with in school, but you know how that is. There's those people who just happen to be in your classes. The kids you shoot the shit with in the hallways. The kids you are friends with because you call each other with questions/help about the homework. And that's fine to have, but let's be real, you're friends with them because none of your other friends are in your class. And maybe there is the off chance it'll go somewhere and you'll be friends for a long time, but that chance ain't much.

At the end of high school I was determined to stay in close contact with at least one group from home. We started a facebook thread/message board, and did some stuff over breaks while I was home. Again though, it didn't feel right. Something wasn't right. The most interesting thing is the people that did keep in touch. There were some real surprises -- some things I truly didn't expect. But I'm thankful and grateful to have those people in my life to go to when I need to chat or to grab some solace while I'm on hiatus from stressing.

They're the ones who have breached the surface, and they're the ones I'd like to keep around for a lifetime. It's even more promising to know that despite the fact we've had to last through the long times I've been away at school.

And those cycles even exist at school. One semester you'll be real tight with someone and the next semester you won't even see them once. There were some people I got real close with one semester only to have them disappear the next. Sometimes that's good. But not all the time. Sometimes I really miss it -- sometimes I'm real sour bout it. And I have no doubt that will stay the same and continue on -- in the same way that when I come home for summer it's like I disappeared off the face of the Earth. Props to the people who continue to make an effort. You know who you are. And it's appreciated. It should also be interesting to see what happens when I go to Spain this fall semester too, and who keeps it real and who says fuck it.

Besides the small couple of people I have right now that I really know will always be around, I don't imagine I'll have too many permanent friends until I move in somewhere and settle down. And even then, who knows? How many times can you move in a lifetime -- I have a constant feeling that I'm going to get antsy, that I won't physically be able to stay in one place. It's only been 2 years (not even) and I'm already pretty much ready to leave Clemson and the entire Southeast behind. I'm not sick of it yet, but by the 4th year I'm sure I will be. Maybe it'll be like the movies, where you have those neighbors who you're always straight with.

Only time will tell who stays, and who washes away like the rest.

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