Wednesday, March 16, 2011

just some thoughts .

As soon as the thought of girls having cooties vanished, I remember the first girl that I liked. I remember the first girl I even thought was cute. Since then, I’ve always sort of had a thought in the back of my mind that I wanted someone by my side, someone I could call my girlfriend, and someone who would eventually blossom into the girl I loved unconditionally and that loved me unconditionally back. I always have had a sort of life to-do list. And I fully intend to complete that list at some point if I can.

Over time, I’ve tried to make things work with girls. I’ve given up on relationships, and then come back to it again. I’ve lost hope, and then slowly let it grow and fester again. But the more I think about it, I feel like I won’t be able to do all those things if I let myself get too involved. And everything I invest my heart in to a significant degree seems to end up not working. And those girls may not even realize how much I wanted something, or was willing to work to have something. But maybe the real answer is that that isn’t the answer.

I don’t mean to come off sounding like a miserable emo kid, but perhaps that’s not the plan, perhaps marriage is not in the story. Perhaps I’m just meant to be on my own. I could see how that would work, and I understand why it certainly might. Sometimes I even think I would enjoy it, to live out in the middle of nowhere and then just live, after I had worked for a long while and exhausted my career, if that even gets a chance to get off the ground.

Maybe I just don’t touch people in the way I would like to. I want to be able to keep in touch with people, but sometimes that seeming lack of effort on both our parts makes it easier to just meet people and then let them drift away with the wind. I guess that’s sorta the same thing that began to happen / is happening with my family (with the exception of my brother).

Sometimes I just get that “get me outta here” feeling. So that I can fly free and not worry about anything tying me down. If there’s one thing I might say could stem from that, it’s that you have to live for you. You have to live and do what you want to, or you’ll miss out on so many things. As soon as you start making decisions to appease other people, or maybe make your girlfriend happy, or you move somewhere to stay close to one person, or schedule things differently to make it work, you lose your freedom. What happened to that feeling that you were the driver of the car that is your destiny? I don’t want to lose that. I want to do things for me, as selfish as that may sound. But I can still be generous of my time and money, and can still live the way I should. I just feel that maybe it’s something I need to stop worrying about.

Maybe it’s time to just let life go, and see what happens. To stop trying to always have a girl for me and to stop always trying to have something that means a lot. If it happens down along the road, then fine. I know that I really want to be married and have kids one day, but I think I need to leave room for the possibility that it might not happen.

The list of life is long, and I feel like I don’t really have that much time to actually do it all in. Maybe my life will be most fulfilled if I just don’t worry about anything else and just chase my dreams. Who knows.

Lyric of the Day:
"And I'm pulling on the red chord, That pulls you back to me Lord"

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