nightmares .

I was watching a video about Travis Pastrana a week or so ago. Travis Pastrana is one incredible guy -- he's absolutely fearless, and I've never seen anyone go so hard and so big and work so much in one sport -- or in his case, like three. He is one of the most determined people I've ever seen in my life, and it would be an absolute honor to meet him at one point. I wish I had that kind of motivation in anything, let alone something I really enjoy. He puts his all into it. But, that's really not what this is all about. I mentioned that the guy is fearless -- yet it was presented in the movie that he has night terrors -- some of the scariest frightening things you could ever imagine. It's absolutely unreal. And so I got to thinking about this separation between dreams and reality.


I can't imagine being afraid to go to sleep at night. I can't imagine dreading the night, because the second my head hits the pillow I'm engulfed with night terrors. And night terrors isn't just nightmares, it's a chronic and serious problem. There's some sort of psychological analysis that goes along with it that I'm just not really knowledgeable enough about to talk in depth about it... but it still is insane.

I remember having nightmares -- and I remember the bad ones clear as day. And that's when it hit me that I can't remember the last time I had a nightmare. Either I grew out of them, or just nothing has scared me enough to have them. Sure, I've had some bad dreams where maybe some bad stuff happens. But nothing like the stuff that used to happen where I would wake up drenched in sweat and shaking.

Nightmares are nuts. Makes me wonder what the heck is going on in my head to make my mind think that stuff up. There was a time that I used to be really scared of a lot of things -- the dark being one of them. Every time I walked into a really dark area, my imagination would go wild. I would see things, almost hallucinating from paranoia. I would turn lights off in a room and try to calmly walk out but ended up quickly trotting out. I used to see faces in the basement once I turned off the lights to go upstairs. For some time, I used to always do whatever I was going to do in the basement before it got dark so I didn't have to turn the lights off... I was really truly legitimately scared.

My guess is that there's just some unsettled stuff in your mind. Mix all those anxious and worried feelings together and it turns into straight fear. And then your unconscious mind just goes wild. I used to hate going to sleep, because for a time I had recurring nightmares almost every night. But then I started praying at night, praying that I would simply have a nightmare-free night. And every time I prayed, I didn't have any nightmares. If that's not proof of a god, I don't know what is.

I always thought it was weird how much your everyday activities and emotions affected nightmares, and on the bigger scale of things, dreams in general. It's like your mind becomes its own body for the night and just goes wild. It's a hallucinogenic party, and you are the victim. Dreams -- they're nuts. I don't think I'll ever fully understand them.

Lyric of the day:
"home... home, where I wanted to go"